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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27400915">hands like colored raindrops</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_lullabies/pseuds/lemon_lullabies'>lemon_lullabies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff and Angst, M/M, let nanika be happy 2020, nanika appreciation, nanika learns to understand love, zoldyck typical angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:02:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,340</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27400915</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_lullabies/pseuds/lemon_lullabies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"She loved this new world with Alluka. And that was the first time of many that she learned to love something new."</p><p>An exploration of Nanika's character from pre-canon through post-canon. I haven't seen enough appreciation for Nanika specifically so I made my own.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gon Freecs &amp; Nanika, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Nanika &amp; Alluka Zoldyck, Nanika &amp; Killua Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>aaaa i'm so excited to share this little pet project because i ADORE nanika and i want to share that love!!!! this is multi-chaptered but the chapters might be pretty short; i hope it's an enjoyable read anyway!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dark.</p>
<p>Dark, dark, dark, dark, <i>dark<i>.</i></i></p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>It was like she only knew one word. One word, echoing incessantly through the empty chasms of space and time.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>But, oh, did she know that word well. She knew every angle of it, had peeled it back and crawled inside it, breathed every synonym with shallow lungs. Dark hid other words in its shadows, words that sounded an awful lot like “fear” and “run” and “fight” and “alone.” </i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>And that was all she knew. All she lived, day in and day out for an eternity that might have been mere weeks or thousands of years.</i>
  </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>
    <i>All she knew until she met Alluka.</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She wasn’t quite sure how it happened. It just did. One day she was shivering alone in a cavern devised to be her prison cell, and the next, she was somewhere else entirely.</p>
<p>This new place was still dark. But it was a dark unlike one she had ever known. This dark was warm. She hadn’t known that word until now, and she tucked the newfound knowledge in the back of her mind, exploring this new feeling. This dark that wasn’t dark at all. </p>
<p>Every day, she came up with new words to describe this darkness. And with each passing day, she began to doubt that these two darknesses were even the same word at all. Where one was suffocating, the other was nourishing. It was protective rather than alienating. And most strikingly, this new darkness was soft. Softer than anything she had ever known. Softer than baby sprouts peeking from the soil. Softer than clouds weighed down with freshwater tears. Softer than the softest velvet the finest textile maker could ever dream to conjure.</p>
<p>She likes to think that soft is her new favorite word. There are a lot of things that are soft with Alluka, not just this new, enticing form of darkness. Alluka herself was soft: kind and patient and loving, and Alluka’s nurturing consciousness wrapped around her own like a hug, nudging her playfully and sharing these new sensations.</p>
<p>With Alluka, she could see things differently. Hear things. Touch things.</p>
<p>Her favorite was this new sensation of touch.</p>
<p>With Alluka’s body, she could feel the coldness of stone corridors below her feet. She could feel the sand squish between her toes as she toddled towards another creature – another person playing in the sand. She could feel the sun blaring down on Alluka’s dark hair, the blackness of it sucking up the light and the heat.</p>
<p>She loved to grab things. She loved the feeling of sand running through chubby fingers, of splashing hands excitedly in the water, of chalk smearing colors of her own childish design into pristine concrete. She liked it when colors would drip down soft skin like raindrops running down the window.</p>
<p>She loved this new world with Alluka. And that was the first time of many that she learned to love something new.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She had a name, now.</p><p>It was something incredibly special, having a name. The fact that somebody acknowledged her as a thing with her own thoughts and feelings and desires – the knowledge bounced excitedly in the hollow of her bones. Or were they Alluka’s bones? It was hard to tell at this point. They were one, now. They shared everything with a childlike, unabashedly pure sense of trust. </p><p>Killua had called her Nanika.</p><p>Killua was the boy with fluffy hair made of silk-spun light. There were lots of people in Alluka’s world, and Nanika could barely keep track. But that was okay. Most of the shadowy strangers weren’t important anyway. But Killua was important. Killua smiled and laughed and hugged when nobody else would. And Killua was the first person – other than Alluka – who met Nanika.</p><p>He was barely phased when Nanika morphed across Alluka’s features. She wanted to catch a glimpse of this mysterious, loveable boy with her own eyes rather than through the sparking synapses in Alluka’s brain. He accepted the situation with the ease of a child who had learned that some things in this world were truly frightening, but the love and curiosity radiating from this secret part of his sister was not one of them. </p><p>He had patted her hair lovingly, like maybe she was made of the same light that Alluka was. Like maybe she could be loved too.</p><p>This feeling is one that wasn’t tangible, but she loved it just the same. It felt like the colors of her favorite chalk were running in rivulets through her body and pooling in her toes. Like she was a rainstorm of color and Killua’s hands were the clouds, overwhelming her with this sensation of love, love, love. Would her hands ever be this magical? Could she ever paint the world with such compassion? She really hoped so.</p><p>And so playing with Killua became a regular occurrence. She and Alluka would giggle softly in the recesses of their shared body, feeling all at once happy in the way only a naïve child could be. And things were good.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>And then they were not.</p>
<p>Nanika quickly discovered that there was one color that she did not like. One color that, when dripping from her fingers, only made others sad. It even made Alluka sad, even though she never said it. She didn’t need to, though. Nanika could feel it.</p>
<p>Red, red, red splattered on the forested floor, staining half-turned autumn leaves an even brighter color. </p>
<p>She hadn’t meant to hurt it. Really, truly, she didn’t. It had looked so soft and warm, like if she touched it, she might be able to put a tangible feeling to the swirling contentedness inside her. But perhaps she had grabbed too hard, and now the rabbit’s body was lying mangled, fur coated with the same crimson as Nanika’s shaking fingers.</p>
<p>Alluka had cried.</p>
<p>Killua had come running.</p>
<p>Nanika had slipped away into the darkness.</p>
<p>If there was one thing Nanika had learned, it was that Alluka was full of light. They say that even one drop of light can stave away the darkness, that darkness cannot exist where there is light. But Nanika begins to wonder if maybe she is the exception. If Alluka is a cathedral filled with light, Nanika was like a candle of darkness; a tiny black hole that sucked away all things good.</p>
<p>Later, though, an older woman – Killua called her Mama – had praised them. Such a strong grip and a remarkably clean kill for someone so young! And so Alluka forgave her and the memory was pushed down, down, down into the depths of their mind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Killua was so smart! The smartest person Nanika knew!</p>
<p>He had found a pattern: if he granted the girls three different wishes, then Nanika would swim to the front automatically, filled with the sole purpose of offering Killua something in return.</p>
<p>Killua had made it a little game. He would play with her hair, chase her around the estate, spin her around in circles, only asking that she draw him a picture of the two of them in return. Both Alluka and Nanika adored this game: Alluka loved spending time with Killua, and Nanika bathed in the ethereal feeling of colors forming beneath her fingers.</p>
<p>If she could wrap herself in this moment, hide herself in this new kind of darkness full of warmth and joy and home, she would. She would stay here for a long time, because maybe this was what it was like to be happy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Not everybody was as nice as Killua.</p>
<p>Nanika had gotten used to the kindness she received when she momentarily took control of Alluka’s body. And yet when the butlers saw her upturned face and cheerful attempts at a smile, they screamed. And then it was like the rabbit all over again. She folded up her own consciousness like Kalluto’s paper dolls, folding and folding until she was small enough to nearly disappear. She didn’t want to make Alluka sad again.</p>
<p>Was this feeling inside of her… was it love? Love for Alluka? And if it was, why did it hurt so much? Why wasn’t it soft and warm and colorful like before? Why did it feel like it was burning her from the inside out, flames licking and curdling at her very essence until all that was left of who she used to be was a pile of ashes and a few wisps of chalk dust? </p>
<p>She couldn’t properly hide until a wish was made, though, so despite her consciousness shriveling up into a tiny ball, her features remained steadfast on Alluka’s face. Killua tried to make it better again, like he always did. He tried telling them that this was normal. That when Nanika came out to play, she could make any wish come true. He even proved it with a simple request. It didn’t stop the butlers from telling Mama and Papa and all the other scary shadows.</p>
<p>Killua stayed with her, though. He clutched her hand in his own and calmly explained everything. Each one of his words was like a gentle tug, urging Nanika to come back until she obeyed, unfolding herself slowly but surely. Mama and Papa watched with stony eyes and thin mouths. Nanika knew those words well by now: stony and thin. It seemed like everything about this place – apart from Killua and Alluka, of course – embodied those two words, like every atom reverberated those letters.</p>
<p>She naively assumed that things would revert to normal, but of course, nothing was that easy.</p>
<p>It started when someone denied a request. And then they denied another one. And another. And something inside of her squirmed with each denial, coiling tighter and tighter, pulled taught and fraying with each passing second. The darkness was coming back. The darkness from before Alluka, before Killua and all the kindness and warmth and love. The darkness that swallowed her whole and held her captive, choking on empty air. Nanika stood, helpless, as it all came flooding back, faster and faster and faster and fasterfasterfaster…</p>
<p>And then she was covered in that deep red again, the kind that dripped from her fingers before except now it dripped from her hair and her nose and down her arms and pooled on the ground by her toes. That person who had denied her requests was gone, and only red, red, red remained.</p>
<p>She wanted to cry.</p>
<p>She didn’t.</p>
<p>It got worse.</p>
<p>This time, the person had completed her requests, and she had dutifully provided the wish.</p>
<p>There was some commotion. Muttering among the shadows. Nanika didn’t pay much attention, too busy dreaming about warmth and love and colors. She probably should have payed attention.</p>
<p>They locked Alluka and Nanika away, and Killua didn’t come to play anymore. There was no more chalk dust to coat her fingers, no more laughter to coat her insides with that warmth she had come to cherish.</p>
<p>And there was no explanation.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t terrible, her room. It was just as stony and thin as the rest of this place, sure, but at least there was color on the walls and soft things to hold close to her chest in an attempt to imitate the softness she sorely lacked now that Killua wasn’t here.</p>
<p>That was probably the worst of it: Killua being gone. Nanika missed him achingly, and she could tell Alluka did too. Why had he gone? It was dark, all alone. </p>
<p>There were still people to play with, but they were not as much fun. And they didn’t obey her requests. Not that she blamed them. After the fiasco of that last wish, she was filled with a burning itch. She needed something, and she needed it now, but she wasn’t sure what she needed. Whatever it was, every molecule of her being demanded it, squeezing tighter and tighter until she was afraid she was going to pop.</p>
<p>She barely heard the words escaping her mouth. It was like listening from far away. Did she really just ask for this woman’s liver? Then her duodenum, spine, brain..? What was this part of her, this part that demanded blood? Did it want to see her suffer? Did it want to make Alluka cry? It was a war inside her mind: nature against nurture, her biological imperative against the love she had discovered. And she couldn’t fight it.</p>
<p>The woman had exploded into red-colored rain just as the other had before. But it was no matter. It meant nothing anymore. They couldn’t take away anything else: they had already stripped her of everything that she loved.</p>
<p>It was like being thrown back into that darkness again, except this time at least she had Alluka. Alluka, who would keep her company. Alluka, who somehow, despite all things, loved her.</p>
<p>Days passed. Weeks. Months. Maybe even years. It was hard to tell when everything was dark and cold. The passage of time hardly mattered. It was interspersed with the occasional granting of a wish, but she never left the room. And she never saw Killua.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Killua returns, Nanika is sure it was the happiest day of her life. She doesn’t quite understand why Killua had been gone for so long, but she’s too excited about seeing Killua again to really care. She wanted to play! It had been so long since she had felt this aura of love. She had almost forgotten how much she missed it.</p>
<p>She asked Killua to play dead and he happily obliged. Seeing his soft hair and gleaming eyes pop out from under his shirt collar was the best sight in the whole wide world, she was sure. She laughed joyously along with Alluka. This must be bliss.</p>
<p>And then Killua promised that he would take them out of here. Out of this room. Away from the mountain she had known all her life. Away from everything stony and thin and cold. Nanika had never dreamed of the rest of the world before, but now her head was full of wonderous thoughts. All she had to do was help heal Killua’s friend.</p>
<p>Nanika loved Killua so much.</p>
<p>To make their escape, Killua asked for a wish. If they didn’t leave the estate in 30 minutes, Mama would die. And if they did, she was to give Killua a kiss on the cheek.</p>
<p>“Aye.” Seemed reasonable enough, though she would much prefer the kiss than to have more blood on her hands, even if it was the blood of someone Killua clearly detested.</p>
<p>They were allowed to leave, though not without reluctance. And not without escorts. There were four of them. Nanika recognized them somewhat, though most people tended to blur together in her mind. She could remember the name of one of them though, and so she gave into her biological need and gave her first request. A fingernail.</p>
<p>Tsubone agreed readily but soon after disappeared. It was disorienting, really, and something inside of Nanika twisted in discomfort. She needed more.</p>
<p>The car ride was long and eventful, but honestly, Nanika couldn’t remember most of what happened. She was busy trying to prevent her insides from chewing her up whole. She needed more! She needed it now!</p>
<p>There was a crash. A commotion. Illumi showed up. Nanika still wasn’t fully present, only catching snippets of the conversation. That was when Tsubone reappeared.</p>
<p>Thank the heavens. The tight coil inside of her finally released. She made two more requests: two more fingernails. And Killua wished for her to heal Tsubone’s hand. Sure thing.</p>
<p>She readily healed it, channeling everything she had into the action. Healing was more work, but it was worth every minute. It made her feel lighter. No blood dripped from her fingers.</p>
<p>She finished healing and promptly fell asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Nanika awoke, she was in an unknown place. Not that it meant much, seeing as every place was foreign to her after a life of total isolation. This place was dull and sterile. It felt bleak. It felt like death. Really, it wasn’t all that different from the estate she had just left. She hoped that the rest of the world wasn’t all like this.</p><p>It took Killua a moment to notice she was awake. He was staring dejectedly at the bed before them. His eyes held a pain that Nanika could only start to understand. He looked absolutely, desperately heartbroken.</p><p>Nanika followed his gaze to the lump on the bed covered in bandages and blankets, shrouded in an invisible darkness. Was this Killua’s friend? It had to be, there was no denying the undying loyalty and anguish radiating from every inch of his skin.</p><p>Killua catches Alluka’s eyes, then, and a small, melancholic smile stretches across his features.</p><p>“Can Nanika come out, now?”</p><p>Killua needs her. She emerges.</p><p>“Nanika, heal Gon.”</p><p>“Aye.”</p><p>The pair walked towards the bed and Nanika reaches for the boy’s hand. She hears Killua gasp beside her. He sounds broken, but Nanika can’t comfort him right now. She needs every bit of focus to pull this off.</p><p>She clutches the fragile hand in her own, channeling every ounce of her power through her body and into this dying one. She can feel resistance, the body fighting against her every step of the way. She has to keep pushing. For Killua. Little by little, her power seeps past the barriers. Everything is surrounded by a blinding light. She hears a frantic beeping, and then everything goes dark.</p><p>When she awakens, she’s still in that sterile place, but it’s a different room. Illumi is there again. He’s talking to Killua, but Nanika tunes him out, still weary from overexertion. Her attention is only caught when Killua requests that she makes Illumi return home. Of course. Anything for Killua.</p><p>She’s still exhausted. Every atom of her being seems weighed down, sticky and saturated, slowed to a crawl. She’s half out of her mind still when she makes a request of Killua. Won’t he pat her head?</p><p>Unlike usual, Killua hesitates.</p><p>Alarms go off in Nanika’s mind, jolting her awake completely. Something is wrong. Something is wrong with Killua. Killua, Killua, Killua, who means everything in the world, every good sensation wrapped up in a lithe body with crystalline eyes.</p><p>He tells her not to come out anymore.</p><p>The world freezes. The air around her must have dropped to absolute zero, particles refusing to move. She feels suffocated, like she’s choking on air, unable to breathe. Go away? Go away forever? Never see the world with her own eyes? Never see <i>Killua<i> with her own eyes? And what about her very purpose: to grant wishes? What would this make her but a small nothing inhabiting Alluka’s body?</i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Alluka.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>She had to think of Alluka. This was for Alluka.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Nanika feels herself agree, the words coming out of her mouth without conscious thought. Tears run down her face, but she can no longer feel them, already losing the sense of touch to the nothingness.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>She continues to cry, locked away. Curled up inside the darkness she once thought was warm but now feels like a prison. She should have known that good things would never last for something like her. Something dark and broken, meant for nothing but destruction. She’s so caught up in her misery that she almost misses the bubbling rage of Alluka’s consciousness, which wrapped around her protectively.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>And suddenly she’s being called to the front again. To talk to Killua. To seal her fate.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The first thing she notices is that Killua’s face mirrors her own. Eyes wet, trails of salt on his cheeks, sorrow evident in every flutter of an eyelash, every quiver of his lips. He begs for forgiveness. Promises to protect her always. Tells her she never has to grant wishes for anybody else. Assures her that he will praise her whenever she wants. That he will love her whenever she wants.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Won’t she forgive him for being a bad big brother?</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Big brother. Big brother. The words repeat endlessly in her head, bouncing off each other and never quite processing. Big brother. That must mean… Killua thought of her as a little sister? A sister, on equal footing as Alluka. Her, a monster, a disgrace, something as precious and lovable as a sister.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Tears dripped down Nanika’s face silently. Of course she would forgive Killua. Her big brother.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I love Killua.”</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Later, when she finally gets to see Gon as a living, breathing person rather than as a dying lump of cells, it’s breathtaking. Exploring the outside world is everything she had ever dreamed it would be.</p><p>Gon is funny, too. Full of insatiable energy. He collapses on the ground and wails upon finding out that Alluka was responsible for his healing. Nanika’s heart sinks for a moment, but then Killua is yanking them all into an alleyway and asking Nanika to come out.</p><p>He gives her credit, and Gon’s eyes widen in awe. He isn’t scared. He doesn’t run. He doesn’t scream. It’s a pleasant change.</p><p>Nanika thinks she might learn to love Gon.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nanika never knew that there was so much light in the world. Every new place Killua took them seemed to shine with it. The world was bright and wide, the opposite of everything stony and thin she had grown used to until now. Everything had shape and color, and there were new things every day to touch and hold. New things to hear and taste and add to her collection of all things good about being with Alluka.</p>
<p>There were new people Killua wanted her to meet. New names to remember. None of them actually met Nanika, but that was alright. She loved Alluka more than anything, and if watching from behind the curtain would keep her safe, then so be it.</p>
<p>Nanika could tell that something was wrong with Killua, though. She recognized that look on his face. He was missing his light, missing the colors that usually dripped through his being. She knew because she had felt the same things while she and Alluka were locked away.</p>
<p>But Killua wasn’t locked away? Maybe he was locked away on the inside.</p>
<p>Nanika decided right then: she would do her best to bring the color and light back for Killua. Because Nanika loved Killua.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maybe Gon and Nanika had more in common that she thought.</p>
<p>Gon wasn’t here with them. He couldn’t be, or that’s what Killua said. And yet Nanika could see him clearly, trapped inside this little box, his face smiling up at her with joy just as contagious as before, marred only by pixilation. Gon was here and also not, just like her. Gon was away, not able to be touched, just like her. But he was still very real, and he was still full of love, just like her.</p>
<p>Nanika couldn’t be sure, but she had a feeling that Gon was secretly standing in darkness just like her, too. That achingly cold darkness that she had come to understand as loneliness. An emptiness so deep and profound it could hold the ever-expanding universe and still have room to spare. She thought she could maybe see it in his eyes, that gaping lack of purpose, that lingering apprehension. She saw it because she felt it, too. They were both lost with no sense of where to go next. </p>
<p>Nanika understood, in part, that Gon had effectively lost everything. He was trapped back on Whale Island, nen-less and alone. He had trained for years, and now his progress had been taken from him. He was separated from his friends, namely Killua, who Nanika could tell meant everything to Gon. But most upsettingly, Gon had lost his purpose. After meeting Ging, what did he have left?</p>
<p>Nanika had lost her purpose, too. With no wishes left to grant, what was she doing here? </p>
<p>She had to talk to Gon.</p>
<p>She nudged Alluka softly, bending her consciousness over Alluka’s own like a cat begging for attention. She just wanted one moment. One moment to speak her mind. Alluka obliged.</p>
<p>Killua was too busy memorizing the way the sunlight was leaving shadows on Gon’s face and absorbing the tinkling echoes of his laugh to notice Nanika take control. Nanika felt Alluka smirk in the back of their mind.</p>
<p>Gon was likewise entranced by Killua, but he was the first to notice Nanika’s appearance, his eyes drawn towards the pixilated shift of colors on the screen.</p>
<p>“Nanika!”</p>
<p>Killua jumped at the exclamation, shocked out of his Gon-induced stupor. Nanika watched in delight as twin smiles lit up the boys’ faces. She had missed this, this feeling of love being directed towards her and her alone, injected straight into the very core of her being.</p>
<p>But she was here for a purpose. She turned her head slowly to stare directly into the camera, seeking to send her words and every feeling behind them directly into that golden spot between Gon’s eyebrows, to bury them there and have him understand.</p>
<p>“I…” She collected her words, the sounds passing through her lack of lips without movement. “I am Gon.”</p>
<p>She felt more than saw Killua’s confused gaze, and irritation filled her as she watched that space between Gon’s brows crinkle in confusion. Words. They were truly her worst enemy. How could she convey these feelings bubbling inside of her in a way that Gon would understand?</p>
<p>Killua reached for her hand, gently letting his fingers run along the dips and bumps on the back of her palm. He opened his mouth to speak, likely to correct her statement, but she cut him off, voice filled with conviction and slight agitation. “No! I am Gon! I am Gon!” There were no other words to explain the profound sameness she saw between them.</p>
<p>She paused for a moment, letting her words sink in. Please, she begged, let Gon’s intuition let him understand. Killua’s expression was still painted with bewilderment, but for a moment, she thought she saw something click behind Gon’s eyes. He understood. He had to have understood. They were too alike for him to not understand. </p>
<p>Satisfied that her message had gotten across, she attempted a smile. A final whisper of “I love Gon” and she vanished, letting Alluka resume control.</p>
<p>“I love Nanika, too!” Gon declared just quickly enough for Nanika to hear it through her own ears before Alluka had reclaimed that sense as well.</p>
<p>Nanika felt warm.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Killua had decided that it was time for Alluka to learn to protect herself. Alluka was eager to agree.</p><p>Nanika could understand where she was coming from. She could tell that Alluka felt useless, like she was dragging Killua down. As much as she wanted to be free, she felt like she was caging Killua in with each step she took away from her own prison. If she truly wanted independence, she would have to work for it.</p><p>But this world of nen, as Killua had called it… it confused her. It was something infused inside of Alluka that Nanika couldn’t quite access, couldn’t quite understand. It didn’t conflict with her own powers, per se, but it felt weird. It felt foreign.</p><p>It reminded Nanika that she was not and would never be human.</p><p>As time passed and Alluka learned more, Nanika grew more comfortable. It still stung, knowing that she would never understand this part of Alluka, but she would learn to live with it.</p><p>After a while, Killua took Alluka and Nanika to see someone. An old teacher, he said. Mr. Wing.</p><p>He seemed nice enough to Nanika, and Alluka seemed to like him just the same. He was kind and patient in his lessons. Best of all, though, was that Alluka had someone to practice with. His name was Zushi, and he was about Alluka’s age. Charismatic but competitive, he was the perfect motivator for Alluka to learn as quickly as she could.</p><p>There was something strange about Zushi though. He made Alluka feel funny. A new emotion perhaps? Something she had never known before. It left Nanika reeling, trying to understand this trance that fell over Alluka when Zushi was nearby.</p><p>Killua must have been able to tell something was off, too, because he was the one to confront the situation. He teased Alluka relentlessly. He called this new sensation a crush. What a strange word for such a feeling.</p><p>After Killua had explained what it was she was experiencing, Alluka approached Nanika nervously, consciousness just barely brushing against Nanika’s. No words passed between them, but the message was clear: was this okay? Was it alright if Alluka harbored these feelings?</p><p>Love wormed its way into Nanika’s very essence. To know Alluka cared - that she valued Nanika’s opinion and permission – it meant the world. Every star in the sky could come crashing down around them and they still wouldn’t be as warm and bright as Nanika felt right now.</p><p>Of course it was okay, Alluka. Nanika is here to support you, no matter what.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nanika had finally figured it out: what Killua was missing. Why his smile lacked light and his fingertips lacked pastel ribbons of invisible color.</p>
<p>Gon.</p>
<p>Nanika had wrapped herself around Alluka’s consciousness tightly, squeezing tight in an excited embrace. She was eager to share her findings.</p>
<p>It turned out that Alluka already knew.</p>
<p>The two shared a giggle. The inaudible laughter circled around their body, bouncing off bones and worming through flesh. It was time to get to work. They had a lot of planning to do.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things were different now that Gon was back. Not a bad kind of different, though, not at all. Just different. They had to share time with Killua, but that wasn’t particularly new. Gon, Alluka, and Nanika all got along swimmingly, anyway. Plus, Alluka and Nanika were constantly scheming about how to get the boys to actually talk to each other. It was becoming painful to watch, even for Nanika who barely ever saw the two with her own eyes.</p><p>One nice thing about having Gon around was that Killua was less restrictive. Nanika knew that he had the best intentions, but his protectiveness could come across as suffocating after a while. With Gon here, Killua was more willing to let Alluka and Nanika breathe, trusting Gon to help protect them. It was refreshing.</p><p>Now was one of those times where Killua had entrusted Gon with the care of his little sisters. He had gone out to do something – Nanika hadn’t paid enough attention to know what he was actually up to – and left the other three to fend for themselves.</p><p>Nanika loved these moments with just Gon the most. She adored Killua with every ounce of her being but being around Gon made her want to come out more, and Alluka readily obliged.</p><p>As soon as Gon noticed, his eyes immediately widened, eyes shimmering with… was that joy? It didn’t make much sense. Joy? Simply because of her? What had she ever done to deserve that light? She could barely wrap her mind around the sheer adoration she received from Killua and Alluka. How is it that another person, another living, breathing, REAL human could be so thrilled by her mere existence?</p><p>“Nanika!!!!” Gon rushed forward to wrap her in a tight hug, nuzzling his nose into her hair lovingly. When he pulled back, mischief glinted in his eyes and spread across his face.</p><p>This would be fun.</p><p>“Nanika, why don’t we make a blanket fort right here! And we can watch movies and eat ice cream!” Gon bounced on his heels, excited energy releasing itself in whatever way it could. </p><p>Nanika gave her best impression of a smile. “Aye.”</p><p>Barely a second after she uttered her agreement, Gon grabbed her hand and ran off towards the bedrooms. He stripped his own bed bare first, piling blankets and pillows into Nanika’s waiting arms. Alluka and Nanika’s bed was next. Gon held as much as he could, and Nanika laughed at his appearance, tufts of hair barely peeking out behind the pile of linens.</p><p>“Let’s go! Let’s go!” he exclaimed, teetering back towards the main room, careful not to drop any of his precious cargo. Nanika dutifully followed.</p><p>The pair plopped their twin piles onto the floor before Gon turned back towards the bedrooms. Only Killua’s room was left. Gon showed no mercy. Every blanket, every pillow, every stuffed animal (which Killua tried to keep hidden, but he fooled no one) were ambushed and carried away, destined to join the other prisoners laying in a heap on the carpet.</p><p>Nanika wasn’t quite sure what to do next, but Gon walked her through it step by step. They began with the blankets, creating a haphazard ceiling and walls. While Gon attempted to keep the blankets from falling, he instructed Nanika to line up the pillows to make the interior nice and cozy. When they had deemed it “good enough,” they stood back to admire their handiwork in its full glory.</p><p>It wasn’t exactly pretty, but it was functional. And they had made it with their own hands. She had made it, formed something soft and constructive and beautifully imperfect with her own trembling fingers. She crawled inside eagerly.</p><p>Gon joined her a few moments later, toting a gallon of ice cream and two spoons. Nanika huddled up next to him, leaning into his warmth. She felt his arm wrap around her shoulder protectively.</p><p>That was how Killua found the pair later: Gon half asleep with his arm falling off Nanika’s shoulders and Nanika smiling, a smudge of ice cream on her nose.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i LOVE gon and nanika interactions!!!! this chapter was one of my favorites to write, although i definitely feel like there is more to explore here. i just wanted to examine snippets of nanika's experiences.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nanika simultaneously loved and dreaded the prospect of meeting new people. Well, it wasn’t so much that she dreaded meeting people. She dreaded people meeting <i>her<i>.</i></i></p><p>
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</p><p>Contrary to what some may believe, Nanika was not dumb. Killua had once told her to go away forever, and that in doing so, she would protect Alluka. It made her cry, then, but she would have done anything for Alluka. She still <i>would<i> do anything for Alluka. So although she never had to lock herself away in that dreadful darkness for good, she remained hidden most of the time, watching from behind the scenes. Feeling things only as reverberations of what Alluka felt. And really, truly, she was okay with that if it would keep Alluka safe and happy. Nanika might not know a lot of things, but she knew that Killua was smart, and if he wanted to keep Nanika hidden, there was a good reason. Somewhere in the corner of her mind, Nanika understood that she was dangerous. That she didn’t truly belong here. Yes, that filled her with an incessant aching, an uncontrollable melancholy deeper than the ocean, but she would survive.</i></i></p><p>
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</p><p>And still Nanika longed to make friends. She wanted more than anything to understand this unique part of being human, to love and be loved by other people. She couldn’t help but want more.</p><p>Perhaps in that way, she was more human than not.</p><p>It was likely thanks to Gon, who held the magical gift to get Killua to give in to his every whim, that Nanika got the chance to meet new people at all.</p><p>Their names were Kurapika and Leorio. She had heard of them before, snippets of conversations, their names on letters and photographs and the occasional incoming phone call. They were names from the past, figures behind the impenetrable curtain that bracketed the time Nanika fittingly named “after Gon” but “before the Escape.” It was like pulling teeth, trying to get Killua to talk about that time. Of course, Nanika understood why. There were many memories she would prefer not to relive, too. But the chance to meet these shadowed figures, to hear the story from their lips, to uncover more of the picture? She would be hard-pressed to pass that opportunity up, and so she shoved down her anxiety and dread, suffocating it all.</p><p>They agreed to meet in person. It was the first time the four boys had met together since the York New auction, more of a reunion for them than an introduction for Alluka and Nanika. At first, she simply observed.</p><p>Kurapika was quiet. And pale. Perhaps the best word to describe him was sickly. He looked frail, like the lightest touch could shatter his brittle bones. And yet he was tied to this world with an iron will, his soul clinging to the world of the living with tooth and nail. His spirit was battered and crooked like a bone broken many times but never quite healing correctly. Nanika thought that maybe Kurapika knew darkness just as well as she did.</p><p>Nanika could feel that something wasn’t right about Kurapika’s soul. It wasn’t meant to be here still. It was meant to have passed on. She would never know the full story, but it was clear that Kurapika had risked it all, had thrown life away, and it left him dying slowly and surely. By all means, he should be long gone.</p><p>That’s where Leorio came in, Nanika assumed. Killua had called Leorio a doctor. Someone who healed. He had certainly done an awful lot of healing. Nanika could see the invisible pull between their souls: Kurapika and Leorio, tied together by a string simultaneously as fragile as the breeze and as resilient as steel. Something had happened, and Leorio was the only reason Kurapika was with them now.</p><p>Gon and Killua would never know this. But Nanika saw and Nanika knew, and she kept their secret, holding the knowledge close to her heart. So this was love, yet again. Love had many faces, it seemed.</p><p>When it came time for Nanika to be introduced, it was Leorio who acted first. He immediately bent to his knees, bringing himself to eye level with the shivering Nanika who peered nervously around from behind Gon’s back. When she made eye contact, his smile was full of love and compassion. Its brightness almost rivaled that of Gon’s signature grin. Almost. Leorio held out a hand, eyes kind and warm behind the glasses perched on his nose.</p><p>“It’s nice to meet you, Nanika! I’m Leorio!”</p><p>She only hesitated for a moment before carefully taking his hand and imitating a handshake the best she could. Words couldn’t seem to come out right now, so she hoped the smile she offered would suffice as a reply. Leorio didn’t seem to mind, and he took a step back after releasing Nanika’s hand so that Kurapika could have a chance to greet her.</p><p>Kurapika just stood there at first, eyeing her up and down. It was impossible to know what was going on inside his mind; he had mastered the art of hiding his emotions behind strained eyes long ago. It was the longest few moments of Nanika’s life, standing there in front of Kurapika, seemingly stripped bare in front of his eyes.</p><p>And then, out of nowhere, his eyes seemed to melt. A soft smile graced his lips, and he tilted his head before speaking. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Nanika. I’m glad that Gon and Killua have a healer like you with them. They certainly can never keep out of trouble.”</p><p>His statement was met with scoffs and whines from the boys, but Nanika barely heard them. Healer. Kurapika had called her a healer. Not a monster. Not a murderer. A healer.</p><p>The boys continued to squabble in the background, but Kurapika moved closer to Nanika and continued to speak, voice low. “You know, I have a healer of my own.” He glanced at Leorio, eyes full of love. “And he’s the most important person in my life. Never let anyone convince you that you aren’t important, because healers are the most important people in the world.”</p><p>Later that night, as Nanika replayed that conversation in her head, she cried happy tears for the first time in her life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>god, i hope i did kurapika justice...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Even after years of knowing Alluka, Nanika did not have much skill when it came to locomotion. She rarely took control long enough for it to become a necessity, and Nanika barely needed to move to fulfill wishes anyway. She never had trouble with the upper body, though. She had plenty of practice offering hugs and kisses to Killua by now. It was just walking that she had trouble with.</p><p>You could aptly compare her cautious waddles to those of a newborn giraffe, but she would have no idea what that meant. Nanika had never seen a giraffe, and she only barely understood the concept of age. Still, the comparison stood (and it did so much more steadily than Nanika did at the moment).</p><p>Needless to say, Nanika was not known for her elegance. What she lacked in composure, however, she made up in spirit. Her movements might be clumsy, but they were overflowing with an exuberant excitement for life. With every shaky step she seemed to spill a little more of that enthusiasm until it appeared to drip down her arms like drops of condensation.</p><p>When Nanika first met Melody – really met Melody as herself and not through Alluka – she felt out of place. Melody exuded grace, released it with every breath and heartbeat. She moved with purpose. She lived the same way she performed: with poise and passion. The opposite of Nanika, who fumbled along, held together only by sheer willpower.</p><p>Oh, how she longed to be like Melody. If even just a shred of that equanimity could rub off on Nanika, she would be forever grateful. To grasp a flute so delicately, to fill the space between every breath with such beauty – that was the dream.</p><p>Nanika never said any of this out loud. And yet somehow, Melody seemed to just know.</p><p>When they met again, Melody had brought something with her. She called them “bongos.”</p><p>To say Nanika was enthralled would be an understatement. She plopped down next to Melody with visible interest and gingerly touched the drums when invited to do so. Melody spoke with soft, calm words, tapping her fingers along the edge of one of the two drums in explanation. Nanika could barely keep up with the instructions, but she followed along well enough, and soon the two were tapping rhythms back and forth, each on their own drum.</p><p>It was mesmerizing: making music. That’s what Melody had called it. Music. And Nanika adored every moment of it. She never wanted to let this go. It was like pushing waves of invisible color into the air, painting a ghostly masterpiece with vibrations alone. To think that someone like Nanika could make something like this…</p><p>It was better than a million wishes.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a beautiful night for a wedding, Nanika thinks. The sky was clear, although light pollution from the city prevented the stars from shining down on the happy couple. It was warm, but there was a slight breeze. The atmosphere was homey and calm despite the bustling of the city not far from them.</p><p>Kurapika and Leorio had decided to get married in York New in the park where the four of them had met up before the auction. It was nostalgic, really, coming full circle. In the evening light, the setting was ethereal, like a scene from a fairytale. Fitting, Nanika thinks, for a couple who had gone through hell together and still managed to find happiness. The whole thing felt like something straight from a storybook.</p><p>The ceremony had yet to start. Leorio stood up front near Melody, who had agreed to officiate. The seats were filled with hundreds of people, most of them hunters there to witness the union of two zodiac members. Nanika wasn’t sure if she had ever seen so many people in one place. It was almost terrifying even though she would never have to show her face.</p><p>Right now, she was waiting in line behind Killua, Gon, and a few others she barely knew. As part of the wedding procession, they stood inside a nearby building, observing the gathering crowd from their hidden vantage point. The ceremony was due to begin as soon as Kurapika was done with preparing his traditional Kurta attire.</p><p>The last Kurta wedding. Nanika guessed there was something poetic about that, but she could only imagine the weight upon Kurapika’s shoulders. They were paying homage to an entire culture tonight.</p><p>Alluka clutched the basket of flower petals she held close to her chest, radiating the same excitement Nanika felt. When Kurapika had approached them and asked the girls to be the flower girl at their wedding, Alluka had nearly burst into tears on the spot. Nanika was just as delighted, but she also knew that she couldn’t show her face at the wedding. There were too many people. Too many unknowns. She would have to watch yet again from the shadows.</p><p>She was okay with it, really. She was used to the shadows and the darkness by now. She knew she had to remain unseen. It hurt to be hidden away, yes, but there was no other option. After everything Killua had done to protect her, she was not going to risk it all now out of selfishness. Wasn’t it enough that Kurapika and Leorio had thought of her at all, asking her in conjunction with Alluka to play a role in their wedding? Yes. It was enough. If she repeated it enough, maybe she would believe it. She was going to enjoy this night.</p><p>It was then that Kurapika emerged. He looked, in one simple word, beautiful. Nanika could think of no other words to describe him, except maybe madly in love. His skin glittered with traditional wedding makeup and yet its shine paled in comparison to the light in his eyes. Here it was again: love. Huh, love seemed to be everywhere if she really looked.</p><p>It was time for the wedding party to emerge. The procession began in pairs of groomsmen and women with Alluka last before Kurapika. In the moment before it was her turn to step off, she caught Kurapika’s eyes. He winked at her with a small smile. And then they were off.</p><p>The ceremony passed in a blurred flash. Too many colors and people for Nanika to fully comprehend. She watched with fascination as flower petals fell from Alluka’s fingers and drifted to the ground. It was mesmerizing: a myriad of colors floating on the wind before painting the grass in a kaleidoscope of hues. She spent a majority of the ceremony simply standing, looking on as Kurapika and Leorio murmured words to each other. From her vantage point, she couldn’t see Leorio’s face, but she had a clear view of Kurapika’s. And watching him, she began to question everything she knew about the man.</p><p>Every moment before this, Kurapika was an enigma. He kept his emotions hidden behind a mask, cold and calculated except in rare moments of delight. Darkness always seemed to float around him like a shroud. A sense of loss tinged every movement, every bone in his body. Despite the love that surrounded him, it seemed as though he would forever be eaten up by this eternal melancholy. Happiness came in spurts but never lasted long. His spirit was a paradox, equally fragile and unyielding.</p><p>But now, as Nanika studied his eyes, soft and slowly filling with joyful tears, everything changed as though the world had somehow shifted. His mask was gone, laying in broken shards around his feet. His face held his every emotion with no restraint. Surrounding him was a shield of light and hope. There was pain that lingered, pain that would never truly vanish, and yet peace wrapped around him like a blanket. Love couldn’t fix everything, but it could certainly help heal.</p><p>With a kiss shared by the couple, the ceremony was complete. There were cries of congratulations. The newlyweds were flooded by people offering best wishes. It took almost an hour for the crowd to clear but finally they were left alone. Kurapika and Leorio had opted to skip a reception, choosing instead to celebrate with a select few. Only seven people remained: Kurapika, Leorio, Melody, Killua, Gon, Alluka, and Nanika. Huh, when had she started to consider herself a separate person?</p><p>It was quiet in the park now, only the sounds of the city at night filling the air. The ambiance was calm as Melody pulled out her flute and began to play a simple piece – a traditional Kurta song. Kurapika took Leorio’s hand and they danced silently, spinning in delicate circles. The air around them shimmered with a love that seemed almost tangible. Gon and Killua stood beside her, looking on with smiles on their faces. Nanika wanted to commit this moment to her memory forever. To be surrounded by this much love: it was something to be devoutly wished.</p><p>As their dance came to a close, silence fell upon the group. Nobody was willing to break the moment. Eventually, though, Alluka did.</p><p>“Kurapika, Leorio,” she said hesitantly, “would it be alright if Nanika came out?” Nanika was caught completely off-guard. “I know she would love the chance to scatter some petals as well. You did say she could be flower girl.”</p><p>What did Nanika do to deserve Alluka? The kindest soul she knew.</p><p>Kurapika smiled. “Of course, we’d be honored.”</p><p>As Nanika came to the surface, tears filled her eyes. Her hands shook as she raised the basket of petals and reached into it, grabbing a handful. She pulled her hand out of the basket, eyes trained on her fingers as she released the flowers slowly. With wobbly steps, she circled the couple, surrounding them with a circle of petals.</p><p>The emotions were almost too much. With a whispered “thank you,” Nanika retreated back into Alluka.</p><p>“Anytime, sweetheart,” Leorio murmured.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>did i reference both tangled and hamlet in my hxh fic? you bet. kudos if you can find them both &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing that Nanika noticed about Knuckle was that he was loud. Louder than Gon. Even louder than silence itself, which was a difficult feat when Nanika was so familiar with the oppressive silence of solitude.</p><p>The second thing she noticed was that Knuckle was kind. He was the softest person Nanika had ever met, practically unable to say no to anything. His collection of friends was almost as large as his collection of stray dogs, which seemed to grow by the day.</p><p>And that was the problem. The dogs. It’s not that Nanika didn’t like the dogs. She adored them. But every time she saw one run past, images of a bloodied and mangled rabbit filled her mind and she panicked, withdrawing her conscious and leaving Alluka confused. She would never forgive herself if she let innocent blood stain her hands again. Even just thinking about it, the drip, drip, dripping of crimson from her fingers… it made her shiver. She watched with dread as a small puppy waddled by, curling up even more in the back of her mind.</p><p>She should have known that Knuckle would be as intuitive as Gon. He could tell right away that something wasn’t right even though Nanika wasn’t in control. It must have shown in the confusion on Alluka’s face.</p><p>“You know they’re not gonna hurt you, right?” He knelt beside her, running his fingers through the fur of a nearby dog before scratching behind its ears.</p><p>“Oh, I know,” Nanika could feel Alluka respond. “It’s not me you’d need to talk to.”</p><p>Despite the look of bewilderment on Knuckle’s face, Alluka none too delicately shoved Nanika to the front. With a great deal of reluctance, Nanika’s dark features swam across Alluka’s face.</p><p>Knuckle had heard about Nanika by now. Over the years, Killua had loosened up a bit, partially at Alluka’s insistence. Still, he had never met her before now, and he didn’t cover his shock very well. Not that it mattered. Nanika had come to expect it by now.</p><p>He got over the surprise quickly, face softening and mouth twitching into a quiet smile. “Hello, Nanika. Care to tell me what’s got you so frightened?”</p><p>She hesitated for a moment, but there was something about his eyes that made her want to trust him. What was it? Was it… love? That word again. It seemed to show up everywhere with each person she met. Was this what it meant to be human? To be full of so much love that it overflowed and dripped onto complete strangers? If so, she desperately wanted to be human.</p><p>She collected her words carefully. “I hurt things. I don’t want to hurt them.”</p><p>Knuckle’s eyes seemed to shine in understanding, his hands pausing in their petting of the various dogs that were vying for his attention. “Oh, sweetheart, you won’t hurt them. Here.” He gently took her hand, scanning her face for some sort of permission. She nodded, confused but intrigued.</p><p>Knuckle guided her hand to the nearest dog and gingerly held it in front of its nose. It sniffed her open palm curiously before giving it a lick. She gasped, and Knuckle smiled.</p><p>“Would you like to pet him?” Nanika nodded again, excitement bubbling in her veins. He once again guided her hand, placing it palm down on the dog’s back. Its tail wagged appreciatively. Together, with his hand on top of hers, they pet the dog.</p><p>Its fur was soft. Soft like the feelings growing inside her. Soft like contentedness. She let herself enjoy this. She let herself believe that her hands could do more than harm.</p><p>Visiting Knuckle became her new favorite thing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>for some reason, this chapter was so hard to write. i hope it's not too dull ;_;</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nanika never really understood what a mom meant. She heard Gon talk lovingly of his Aunt Mito, who he called his mother. He waxed poetic about her warm smiles and loving touch, how she healed his wounds as a child and held his hands as he learned to walk. He called it unconditional, this love. It never wavered, even when Aunt Mito was upset with him, no matter how many mistakes he made.</p><p>The only frame of reference Nanika had was Mama, whom she barely remembered. Mama never cared to visit her in her room, never inconvenienced herself to see to Alluka’s needs, never wasted her time on someone whose potential was wasted. Nanika was an experiment, in her eyes. One to be tested and manipulated when needed. There was nothing warm about her, nothing remotely close to loving. She inflicted wounds rather than healed them, slapped her hands away when Alluka reached for a hug. The only thing unconditional about Mama was her vanity.</p><p>When Alluka graduated from Wing’s care and into Bisky’s, everything changed.</p><p>Bisky could be crude, a shameless flirt. But she also cared deeply about all those she had taken into her care. She might call Killua a disrespectful brat, but her eyes and smile gave away her true sentiments. She adored Gon and Killua, Nanika could tell. And she soon came to adore Alluka.</p><p>Bisky showed no restraint in her training regimen. She worked Alluka into the ground until she was exhausted, collapsing as soon as Bisky declared she was done for the day. And yet Bisky also tended to her aching. She soothed her pain. Offered inspiring words on occasion. Listened and responded to what Alluka had to say. </p><p>It turns out Alluka had a lot to say.</p><p>She explained Nanika to Bisky, who listened with interest. And then, Alluka asked Bisky to help her incorporate Nanika’s powers into her own nen so that they could protect themselves and others, together.</p><p>To say Nanika was shocked would be an understatement. She was ecstatic. Thrilled. And slightly bewildered. Nen was Alluka’s gift and hers alone. It was graced to her simply by the fact that she was human, and it let her stand on her own. Give herself worth. And here she was, wanting to share this part of her, this uniquely personal part, with Nanika. Why? What did she do to deserve this?</p><p>Nothing, echoed Alluka’s consciousness. It circled around her, encompassing her in a love so incomprehensible, so immense that it could generate its own gravity. Nanika didn’t have to do anything to earn this. She simply deserved it for being her. For being Nanika. </p><p>Nanika’s eyes filled with grateful tears, and it was her turn to wrap around Alluka’s consciousness, expelling as much love as she possible could.</p><p>Bisky instantly agreed to help. She and Alluka spent hours brainstorming and trying new things. Nanika made an appearance a few times, and Bisky treated her just the same as she treated Alluka. As a partner. As a student. Perhaps even as her own child.</p><p>Bisky was no Aunt Mito by any means, but Nanika thought that maybe she finally understood what it meant to have a mother.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>man, trying to capture bisky - even if it's just in 500 words - is so difficult!! i just want to do her justice! also, i purposefully left a lot of things unresolved, such as alluka's nen. i'm not clever enough to come up with how that would work right now. maybe at a later time i'll explore it more!! or if any of you want to take up that challenge or even suggest ideas in the comments, i would love to see it!</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was time for Alluka and Nanika to decide what they wanted to do with their lives. The girls had agreed that they had leeched off Killua enough by now. Plus, they should probably give Gon and Killua some privacy. Lord knows they need it. But what did they want to do?</p>
<p>Help people. That’s what Nanika wanted. She remembered vividly that time Kurapika had called her a healer. She desperately wanted to be what Kurapika had seen in her that day.</p>
<p>Could she deal with the blood, though? Could she trust herself not to freak out if blood ever had to coat her hands again? Could she deal with the lives of others depending on her competence?</p>
<p>She thought of Leorio. She thought of love and kindness. She thought of what she had come to understand of humanity: that good people served even strangers. She thought about growing up and giving people life.</p>
<p>And that’s when she decided what she wanted to do. She wanted to be a nurse. She wanted to spread kindness and compassion and life. She wanted to help babies come into the world and she wanted to ease the pain for those leaving the world behind.</p>
<p>Alluka agreed. This. This was their purpose.</p>
<p>The hardest part was approaching Killua. What would he say? Would he let them go?</p>
<p>Really, she had no need to be nervous. Killua was immediately supportive, helping them search for med school. Money, luckily, wasn’t an issue: as hunters, they were practically set for life. And of course, Leorio was delighted to know that the girls were following in his footsteps. He babbled excitedly, promising to help them out whenever they needed it.</p>
<p>And when it was time for her first semester to begin, Nanika was frightened, yes, but above all she was excited. Finally, she had a purpose. Maybe, one day, her hands could be like colored raindrops, dripping life and joy into others.</p>
<p>She could do this. Look out, world. Nanika is here to stay.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Gon and Killua finally got married, it was a private affair. The complete opposite of Leorio and Kurapika’s wedding. They married on Whale Island on a cliff where once upon a time two young boys had agreed to stay together forever. There were barely any people there. Kurapika and Leorio attended, of course, and Aunt Mito was there too. Gon’s grandmother had since passed, but Nanika knew she looked on from the stars.</p>
<p>Killua sobbed through the entirety of his vows, and somehow wept even harder when Gon slipped the ring on his finger. The kiss that sealed their union was desperate and intimate. Nanika had half the mind to avert her gaze, but she wouldn’t miss this moment for the world.</p>
<p>Killua deserved this. Killua deserved the world. Nanika felt Alluka hum in agreement.</p>
<p>The best thing about the private wedding was that Nanika didn’t have to hide. She surfaced without hesitation.</p>
<p>“Killua!” Killua turned upon hearing his name, eyes lighting up when he met Nanika’s stare. He practically sprinted over to her, taking her hands in his own.</p>
<p>“Nanika!”</p>
<p>“Killua… Killua is happy?” It came out as a question, although Nanika already knew the answer.</p>
<p>Killua’s eyes filled with tears yet again. He would really have to drink a lot of water after this.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Nanika. Yeah, Killua is happy.” His grip on her hands tightened microscopically.</p>
<p>“I am glad. Killua deserves to be happy. I love Killua.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too, Nanika,” Killua whispered, pulling her into a hug. Nanika closed her eyes, reveling in this moment. Committing it to memory.</p>
<p>Love, love, love.</p>
<p>It filled her lungs, tangled in her hair, wrapped around her insides.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>is it really a fic of mine if i don't include some sort of killugon fluff? no &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Love, Nanika reflected, came in many colors. There were so many shades, so many types, too many to keep track. She wondered if love was ever the same for any one person. She loves Killua differently than she loves Alluka, differently from how she loves Gon, differently from how she loves Bisky… the list goes on and on. And each feeling of love was slightly different but also irrevocably the same. It was all love.</p><p>Over the years, through hardship, through desperation, through joy and fear and tears and laughter, she found herself surrounded by love. It was in the way Kurapika and Leorio looked at each other. It was in Melody’s intuitive kindness. It was in Killua’s weekly calls and Gon’s laughter in the background. It was in the kisses she received from Knuckle’s dogs. It was in Zushi’s smiles, Wing’s encouragement, and Bisky’s healing after a long day. It was in the friends Alluka made at school, in the thankful words of her patients.</p><p>Nanika was especially proud of that last one. Every time she helped heal someone, either with traditional medicinal practices or with Alluka’s nen, something loosened inside of her, like sunlight peeking through the clouds. Or maybe like stars bursting into existence. Hundreds of stars. Hundreds of lives she had touched.</p><p>Long ago, Nanika had described Killua’s hands as dripping with colored raindrops. And now, her own hands were stained with that same rain, that same love. </p><p>Nanika had finally learned to love <i>herself<i>.</i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>She would never be truly human, but as long as she had love, that would be human enough for her.</i>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>and that's it!!! i'm kinda shocked that i wrote upwards of 10k words about nanika, but it's what she deserves &lt;3</p><p>if you made it this far, wow! congrats! i hope you enjoyed my ramblings, and have a lovely day/night!!!!</p>
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